Knowing
by NevynR
Summary: When Kate wakes from her shooting, she has to deal with the consequences of those three little words... Spoiler warning for anything up to 3x24, of course.


**Title: Knowing**

**Summary: When Kate wakes from her shooting, she has to deal with the consequences of those three little words...**

**Rating: T. Spoiler warning for 3x24, of course.**

**Disclaimer: yadda yadda don't own it, never have, probably never will, yadda.**

**Author's Note: I blame a Dr Who marathon on Austar for this one... :-P It was _supposed_ to be a short one, but we all know how that turns out, don't we? Anyway, thanks to my devoted beta and biggest fan, beta and muse Manu for your help with this one. My typos were far more numerous this time round, since the whole thing was written in 2 days on my new tablet :-D I hope you all enjoy this one, I think this really should have been how it was handled on the show, but hey, I'm not being paid to write for them so it's not up to me. Damn. Like always, your feedback is always appreciated, folks!**

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><p>Castle took a breath, pausing for a moment before entering the room, flowers clutched before him like a talisman. Steeling himself, he opened the door and stepped through. The sound of the door opening distracted the injured woman in the bed. Looking away from her boyfriend sitting at her bedside, she spoke.<p>

"Hey, Castle." Glancing between the two of them, Josh stood up, noting the tension in the air. Bending over the bed, he pressed a quick kiss to Beckett's forehead. Straightening up, he murmured

"I'll see you after..." He left the room, ignoring the author entirely. His eyes following the doctor, Castle waited for him to leave before he made his way closer.

"Hey..." He said, quietly. There was a moment's silence, before Kate spoke, uncomfortable and trying to hide it.

"You're staring at me. I must look really bad."

"No. I just never thought I'd see you again." He replied, the brutal honesty slipping from his lips before he had a chance to filter the words. Trying to cover his gaffe, he went on. "I... heard you were opening a flower store, so I thought I'd pitch in." He placed the vase of flowers on the side table, amongst the vast selection of ones already there. Searching for a way to break the tension, Beckett's eyes followed his movements as he sat down. A wry smile on her lips, she said

"They were all here when I woke up. I think they're mostly from the precinct. I don't think I'm going to live this one down, Castle." She looked embarrassed, blinking and glancing at her hands, fingers laced in her lap.

"Oh, probably not..." He replied, grinning at her. She gave a short chuckle, knowing how right he was. She swallowed, looking him full in the face, her expression sober.

"I hear that you tried to save me." The words hung in the air between them for a moment. Castle ran her phrase through his head, noting her specific manner of speaking. He frowned slightly, pressing the issue as gently as he could.

"Yeah, I uh... You heard? You don't remember me tackling you?" He asked, prompting. Her heart hammering, Beckett knew what he was asking. Her mind freezing, she answered, unable to think. There was a moment of absolute panic where she could see him above her again, his words ringing in her ears, pulling her back from the brink even as the darkness closed in. Fear gripped her, squeezing her heart with icy fingers. Trying to protect herself from the heartbreak, she spoke, guilt already washing through her as she tried to convince herself it was better this way.

"No, I don't remember much of anything. I, um, remember that I was on the podium and then I remember everything just going black..." She answered quietly, hoping like hell he believed her.

"You don't remember... the gunshot?" He pressed, hoping to jog her memory.

"No." Beckett replied, not able to meet his eyes. "They say that there are some things that are better not being remembered." Castle searched her face intently. His heart fell for a moment as he weighed her words, before something niggled at the back of his mind. Letting the thought blossom, he ran his conclusion through twice. He had spent hours playing poker with her, over the years. He had analyzed her mannerisms, her expressions, almost better than she knew them herself. On a good day, she could keep things back, but she was far from at her best, lying in a hospital bed, hooked up to machines. Tired from the shooting, and her too-close brush with death, he could tell she was lying as clearly as if she had spoken the words herself. Keeping his face blank, he spoke, more for the sake of keeping the conversation moving than any desire to dig deeper. He knew, and she didn't realize that.

"Yeah." He said, letting a thread of disappointment slip into his tone, matching the expression on his face. He knew she needed this... for herself, for her own peace of mind. She spoke, hesitantly, grief and loss choking her throat.

"I keep seeing his face, Castle. Every time I close my eyes, I see Montgomery lying on the hangar floor. You should've let me go in there..." His own grief still raw and jagged inside him, Castle spoke, his voice hoarse.

"They would've killed you." He swallowed, forcing the tears back.

"Oh, you don't know that." She replied immediately, seeing the haunted look in his eyes, trying to shut out the desire to soothe him flaring inside her, guilt already tearing at her.

"Kate-" He started to speak, before she cut him off, breaking the intensity of his gaze.

"Castle, I'm really tired right now." She had to get him to stop, to leave the matter alone before she crumbled entirely. She had only just started to come to grips with still being alive; she didn't have it in her to deal with the fallout from his confession, not right now. Sagging with fatigue, she dropped her pretense, letting him see just how drained she was. His expression cleared as he took her in, saying

"Of course. Of course... We'll talk tomorrow." He stood, a soft look on his face as he drank in the sight of her, battered, exhausted, but still breathing. Nearly to the door, he paused when she called out to him.

"Do you mind if we don't? I just need a little bit of time." He took a breath, knowing what she was doing - hiding, just like he had accused her of before the funeral.

_Not this time._ He thought firmly. _This time, we need to sort it out... just... not right now._

"Sure. Sure. How much time?" He replied, playing along.

"I'll call you, okay?" Her voice hesitant, almost afraid, she spoke, hating herself for not being able to face it, or him.

"Sure." His response tinged with sadness, Castle nodded and left the room, closing the door gently behind him on the way out. Keeping himself moving by sheer force of will, he nodded to the officers standing in the hallway as he left, heading for his car.

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><p>Slamming the Ferrari door closed more firmly than needed, he let out a tired sigh. Throwing his head back against the seat, he raked his hands over his face. Pulling himself together, he started the engine and pulled out of the parking lot, heading south on Broadway.<p>

Almost immediately, he started to feel better as the wind whipped his hair, the movement of the air seeming to shake loose fatigue that clung to him like dirty cobwebs. Impulsively, he changed lanes and turned hard right in West 165th; ignoring the irate honking coming from the cab he had just cut off. He needed _out_, and he needed it now. Heading for the I95, he shifted gears smoothly and accelerated, the purring of the engine as he pressed the pedal pulling the closest thing to a proper smile from him in days.

Forty five minutes later, he pulled over into a gravel car park, surrounded by trees. Drawing a lungful of the fresh air, he killed the engine and just sat, listening to the metallic noises as the car cooled down. The wind in the trees sounded almost mournful in the late afternoon half-light, matching his melancholy.

How long he sat there in silence, he didn't know. When he finally snapped himself out of his musings, it was dark, the first stars just peeking through the sky. Refreshed, he turned the key in the ignition again, pulled out of the car park and headed for home.

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><p>Drained, but unable to sleep, Castle lay on his bed, staring at the ceiling. Replaying every word of his conversation with Beckett from that afternoon, he analyzed her facial expressions, her body language. He was certain that she was lying about her memory, and he was just as certain that she would push the memories aside and not talk about it, like she always did. Castle wracked his brains for a way to get her to talk about it, without seeming to. He sighed tiredly as he recalled the last time they had broached the topic. It still hurt, he realized. He could still feel the sting of her words as she told him that they were over as she threw him out of her apartment.<p>

In all the events following that, they had almost managed to return to their usual selves. Beckett had forgiven him for carrying her out of the hangar, or at least had included him in the discussion between her and the boys. She hadn't spoken of what had happened, preferring to shut the memories away for the time being and dealing with them in her own time. A bitter laugh echoed in the darkness as he realized that she was probably waiting until after the funeral before she let herself break down.

_Well, that plan got shot to hell... _He thought. Casting his mind back, he remembered the last time he had screwed up this badly with Beckett - when he opened her mother's case again. It had only been his daughter's words that had managed to show him the light, and it was his heartfelt apology that was the only reason Beckett had taken him back. An idea began to form, the simplicity of it almost stunning him. Knowing his partner, it had a better chance of working than any of the other hair-brained schemes he had considered and discarded already. The details coming together rapidly once he had decided his course of action, he finally closed his eyes and drifted off to sleep.

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><p>Kate woke slowly, pain lancing through her chest with every breath. Blinking slowly, she tried to keep her breaths as shallow as possible. Turning her head to one side, her eyes fell on the numerous vases of flowers next to her. Wincing as she saw those left by Castle, she let her eyelids close again, the memories of his face against the clear blue sky assaulting her senses again. If she was honest with herself, she knew that they had been getting closer over the last few months. After her disastrous attempt at baring her heart to him the summer before, she has closed down, and bottled up her feelings.<p>

A big part of that, she realized, was her relationship with Josh, and her almost desperate need to keep something between herself and heartbreak. Castle, however, had seen through it, and all the way to her long-buried feelings. He knew she was hiding from him, and had called her out in it the day before Montgomery was shot. Lashing out had been her instinctive response, and she regretted her words almost the instant they left her mouth. She had laid into him, her words as sharp and biting as she could make them as she challenged him to tell her what they were to each other.

She had a pretty fair idea that he cared for her, hell; she'd have to be blind and stupid not to have realized it. She broke the rules of their... relationship. She asked, demanded that he put words to it. Wasn't that his job, dealing in words? Kate hadn't known what she actually expected from him in reply. It just... wasn't his job to push and push. That was _her_ part in their little dance, wasn't it? He flirted shamelessly, skipping oh so carefully with the line between them, and she shut him down, pushed him away, and then he came back. Only this time, he pushed right back.

Throwing the situation back at her, he laid it out flat for her - they kissed, and never talked about it. They nearly died in each others' arms, and never talked about it... and Beckett knew it was because she couldn't do it, not him, her. _She_ was the one who refused to acknowledge it, because once they put words to it, it needed to be addressed, it made it real, and that terrified her. Her panic rising, she knew that she had pushed him too far when he threw it back in her face. He knew how he felt, just as much as he knew that he couldn't say it to her, because she would cut and run. Oh, and there was the small matter of her boyfriend as well, even though she spent more time by far with Rick than she had with Josh.

Kate's train of thought derailed as she realized that she'd just referred to Castle by his given name, albeit in the privacy of her own head. She'd always been so careful to keep him firmly in the 'Castle' bin in her head, because Castle was her partner, Castle was her friend, Castle was safe. Rick, on the other hand... wasn't. Rick was the one who made her heart race when he leaned close and whispered something to her, Rick was the one who slipped into her dreams late at night and did unspeakably wicked things to her that woke her in the mornings, flush with sweat and panting... Rick was dangerous. For her control to slip up and start thinking of Rick instead of Castle was a bad thing and she put the blame squarely on his shoulders, from the moment he uttered those four little words.

Kate sighed as heavily as she could, given her wounds and took a sip of water from the glass on the table next to her. She had challenged him to tell her what they were, and kicked him out. Well, he'd come back anyway, to save her from herself yet again, and what was worse was the fact that he'd given her an answer to her question. No, what was worse was that he'd answered, and now she had nothing but time to think about it. She'd shut him down again, within seconds of seeing him. The man held her while she bled out in front of him, died in his arms as he confessed his feelings, and now she didn't even have the guts to face him.

The sound of the door being opened slowly pulled her mind from her self-recriminations. Letting out a breath she didn't realize she'd been holding, she smiled weakly when she saw it was her dad. A brief stab of disappointment flashed through her, almost before she knew it was there, half-expecting Castle to have disregarded her instructions from the day before. That was what he did, wasn't it? She pushed him away, and he ignored her and came right back?

She mentally shook herself as her father pulled up a chair next to the bed, focusing on him, forcing her thoughts away from her partner. Mustering a smile, she looked at her father, noting the bags under his eyes, the fatigue and grief evident on his face.

"Hey, Katie..." He spoke softly, leaning forward and pressing a gentle kiss to her forehead. "How are you doing this morning?"

"A bit better than yesterday, dad. Still hurts like hell though." She grimaced, knowing it was futile trying to hide her pain from her father. His eyes lighting up a little, Jim placed a wrapped package on her lap, the faintest of smiles creasing his face. "What's this?" She asked, the plain brown wrapping paper not giving anything away. "You didn't have to, dad..."

"I didn't..." He replied, the smile growing slightly. "I bumped into Rick on my way in, and he gave it to me to pass along." He gave her a puzzled look, saying "I told him that visiting hours were about to start, and he could give it to you himself, but he told me it was probably better if he just left it with me... Why is that, Katie?"

At the mention of her partner's name, she tensed, a movement that didn't go unnoticed by her father. Her hands stilled in the act of opening the present, suddenly fearful of what the paper might conceal.

_He still came_, she thought, an odd flash of satisfaction surging within her as she realized that he had managed to obey her request and at the same time still keep turning up. Slightly impressed at his deviousness, she kept her eyes trained firmly on her fingers as they slipped under an edge of the paper, undoing the sticky tape.

"Because I told him I needed some space..." Her voice quiet, she heard her father's muted sigh at her response. Letting go of the present for the moment, she looked at him, and saw the disappointment written clearly on his face. "What, dad? Just spit it out." She said, her tone rapidly heading towards defensive.

"That man..." Jim said softly, blinking a couple of times. Trailing off, he paused for a second, before starting again. "Rick is a good man, Katie, I hope you can see that."

"I know, dad. What-" She started to speak, but he cut her off before she could build any momentum.

"No, listen. Did he tell you what happened?" Kate froze, not knowing that her father had heard.

"He came in here yesterday to see me, just as Josh was leaving" She replied, avoiding answering the question directly. At the mention of her boyfriend, she saw his face tighten, a frown forming before she could finish the sentence.

"What did he say?" Jim pressed, wondering his much his daughter would admit to.

"Not much. He was glad I was okay, and that was it. I told him I was tired, and would call him later." Not losing his frown, Jim crossed his arms.

"And that was all he said?"

"Yeah dad, that was the gist of it. Why are you so determined to know?" Her defensiveness in full operation, she turned the question around, hoping he would let the matter drop. Jim sighed.

"That man has more restraint that I gave him credit for..." Not answering her question, he noted the look of disbelief that covered her face as he mentioned the word 'restraint' in relation to her partner.

_He was too far away from us to have heard what Castle said at the funeral._ She thought, wondering how the hell he seemed to know. Raising her eyebrows, she shot him a look and waited for him to explain.

"It's not my place to say, Katie, but I think you should talk to your boyfriend about what happened in the waiting room before you talk to Rick again." Curiosity flaring, Kate glared at her father.

"Josh has double shifts for the next couple of days. I'm not sure if I will be awake when he has time to come in." Taking another sip of water, she continued. "Just spit it out dad. If it's important, I should probably hear it sooner rather than later."

"Since you asked..." Jim replied, his tone firm. "We were in there, waiting for the doctors to give us an update... Josh came out and slammed Rick up against the wall, accusing him of being responsible for you getting shot. They had to be physically separated before somebody got hurt." He paused, gauging her reaction. Shocked, Kate asked

"Castle? What did-"

"Aside from not being able to get a word in edgewise, he did nothing. His daughter tried to stop it before it got out of hand, but you should have seen him once your friends pulled Josh away..." Jim swallowed. "Rick did everything he could to stop it, Katie, you know that right?" Kate nodded silently, still trying to process the fact that her boyfriend had assaulted her partner while she was in surgery, fighting for her life.

"Have you told him that?" He asked gently.

"No..." Kate replied, guilt twisting her stomach painfully. Becket could only imagine what must have been running through his mind, what was probably still eating away at him. He was an author, and he'd told her several times that having such a vivid imagination was both a blessing and a curse. The worst case scenarios were practically the default reaction for him. She knew it wasn't his fault, and for Josh to throw that in his face while Castle stood there, her blood still on his hands from trying the save her life...?

"You need to, and soon. I recognize the look he had on his face, Katie, and it's not a good one." Her father replied, solemn.

"What look, dad?" She asked, almost afraid of the answer. Jim sighed tiredly, not answering her question directly.

"I saw it in the mirror every damn day after your mother died, when I was sober enough to stand." The words hung in the air between them, unspoken: love, loss and guilt. He looked at her, sadness filling his eyes. "He loves you, you know that?" Almost imperceptibly, she nodded. "I asked him to keep you safe, the night before the funeral, asked him try to get you to drop this case. I know he cares about you, and figured that he was pretty much the only person who stood a chance of getting you to back down."

"He tried..." She swallowed, choking back the tightness in her throat. "He tried hard, dad. He told me things that I knew, but didn't want to hear. Things he had to have known would drive us apart, but he did it anyway and I threw him out for it." She said bitterly, regret filling her voice.

_I wondered where it was coming from,_ she thought. _I knew he would never have crossed the line like that without something pushing him._ She hadn't even considered the possibility of her father interfering. Shaking his head slowly, Jim looked at his daughter sadly.

"He knew the moment I asked him what it might cost, Kate. He'd rather you cursed him with every breath, because that would mean you were still alive to breathe. I hated myself for asking him to be the one to do it, but he knew why I did. It's exactly the same thing he'd do if it was his daughter in the firing line." Jim blinked as he felt a single tear roll down his cheek. "I lost your mother to this animal, and I'll be damned if I lose you too, you hear me?" He gripped her hand hard, his thumb rubbing her knuckles as he tried to calm himself down.

"Dad, I-" She said, still coming to terms with what he had asked Castle to do. Meeting her eyes, he whispered

"It's not worth it. It hurts like hell, but it just isn't." He repeated the words he had uttered in the loft, only days before. "Your life is worth more than your mother's death, you need to understand that. You're the only thing I have left..." He held her eyes for a moment, before letting out a tired sigh. Emotionally drained, he leaned back in his chair, letting her hand slip from his grasp. The tiniest hint of a grin at the corner of his mouth, he flicked his eyes from her face down to the still-unopened present lying forgotten in her lap.

Lost in her thoughts, it took Kate a few seconds to click to what her father was subtly hinting at. Glancing at the present once more, she raised her hands to the paper again. Looking for something to break the heavy mood, she tore the paper off. Her eyes widened as she took the object in, her smile catching her father off guard. Placing the navy blue ceramic cookie jar on her stomach, she lifted the lid and saw a hand written note inside. Still smiling, she let her curiosity take over as she reached inside and pulled the note out. Unfolding it, she quickly read his unmistakable handwriting. Short and to the point, it said simply:

_Kate,_

_I know, and it's okay. This is what you need, but when you are ready, call._

_RC_

Stunned by the implications, she relaxed into her pillow.

_He knew.._. She thought, her guilt fading considerably. Not vanishing, she realized, because she had lied to his face and she still needed to apologize for that, but the simple fact that he had told her that he loved her, and knew that she heard and remembered took a massive weight off her mind. Not only that, he was giving her a chance to deal with it in her own mind, her own way before talking about it with him.

It was at that moment that several things became crystal clear to her: firstly that she had already decided that they would talk about it, not brush it aside, and secondly that he was all in. He had the chance to pretend he never spoke those fateful words, the option to ignore it if it had only been said because she lay dying in his arms, and he didn't. He stood there, heart on his sleeve, just as she had done the summer before. His note was simple and emphatic, telling her the ball was firmly in her court. He loved her, and before anything else could happen, she needed to pick up her phone as soon as she had her thoughts in order and call the man who was listed as speed dial number two on her phone.

"Uh, Kate...?" Jim's voice snapped her out of her thoughts. "I know you are a bit of a geek, but why would he give you a cookie jar shaped like the TARDIS?" Kate folded the note up, fingers absently tracing the creased paper as she replied, unable to keep the smile from her face.

"It's not the cookie jar, dad, it's what it represents: he is giving me time and space..." Chuckling to himself, Jim shook his head slowly, marveling at just how well the author knew his little girl. The sounds of people in the hall calling his attention to how long they had been talking, Jim stood up slowly, easing his back. Kissing her forehead again, he said

"I better grab some coffee, let the others come and say hi for a while." Seeing the distinctive silhouette of Kate's boyfriend passing down the hall, he paused, his hand on the door handle. Looking back over his shoulder, he offered her a piece of parting wisdom given to him by his wife, many years before. "Close your eyes, Katie, and take a good hard look at the two of them..."

He opened the door and left the room, the sounds of his polite greetings to the others drifting into her room as she closed her eyes for a second, and took his advice. When her mother had said it to her for the first time, she'd been confused. Close your eyes and look? Johanna had sat down next to her and explained that she needed to be able to look without her eyes, to look with her heart and mind, to shut out the way things appeared to be and just _feel. _In the brief moment of peace, she knew to whom her father referred: the man who loved her, and her boyfriend. The calm of the darkness behind her eyelids already working its magic, she marked the distinction between the two men clearly, and she knew what she had to do.

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><p>Kate sat on the swings on the verandah of her father's cabin, and looked out across the forest, her mind miles away. She had been discharged from the hospital a week ago, and she had spent her time since then almost entirely alone. Well, as alone as she could be, given that her father was staying at the cabin as well to care for her. That didn't bother her much, since he tended towards quiet introspection, leaving her most of her days free to rest, and to think.<p>

Finally, she looked down at the phone in her lap, fingers tracing the screen. His contact details already displayed, her finger hovered above the 'call' button. Biting her lip, she hesitated for a split second, before letting herself relax, her finger contacting the screen with the lightest of touches. Raising the phone to her ear, she barely had it in place before he answered.

"Castle..." The rich baritone of his voice, absent from her hearing for nearly two weeks, sent a jolt of awareness through her. Sadness mixed with something wistful, the closest she could come to describing the feeling was homesickness. Not for a place, but for him.

"Hey, it's me..." She replied, nervous.

"How are you doing?" Rick asked. Kate grinned to herself as she heard his question, the neutral tone barely masking his excitement, his nerves. Letting out her breath, she took the plunge.

"Doing better..." She paused. "I miss you..." The admission eased from her lips, her heart in her throat as she waited to see if he read her subtext. There was an agonizing wait as he ran her words through his head, deciphering her meaning, making sure he wasn't mistaken. She smiled as she heard the sound of keys being picked up on the other end of the line.

"I missed you too, Kate. I can be there in an hour..." He trailed off, giving her one last chance to back out.

"I'll have a pot of coffee waiting, Rick. See you soon..." She hung up, dropping the phone in her lap as her face split into a radiant smile. Raising her voice, she called out to her father, inside reading a book. "Dad! Rick is stopping by for coffee, you might want to set an extra plate for dinner!"

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><p>AN: There we have it folks, possibly the fastest i have managed to go from concept to published fic yet... :-) *Jedi mind tricks* review... leave a review...


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